Fund Raiser/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man with the plan he thought of in the can... If you're a fan of the man in the van... Put your hands together for red green... Eggs and ham! How you doin'? Good to see you. All right. (applause and cheering) here's the freak with the beak and the chubby cheek -- harold! (applause) all right, cool it -- put a sock in it. I did, and everybody laughed. (laughing) (laughing) I don't want to know, ok? We had a government building inspector come into town and pull a surprise safety inspection on the community centre this morning. He filled out a report, says if we don't fix it, he's gonna have it condemned. He can't do that! Where will they hold the teen dances? You don't go to dances. I will... When I'm better-looking and I learn karate. So we gotta save the community centre -- what's wrong with it? Just three things -- the roof, the walls, the floor. Oh! (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. I got the scoop -- the building inspector was called in to the community centre by a wedding party. They had a wedding there last week. One of the steel "I" beams swung loose from the ceiling, dropped down onto the wedding cake... Cracked the icing and crushed the bride and groom. I'll tell you, people are such whiners. It's the bride and groom on the cake. You're kidding. Yeah. Man! Ok, anyway, if the community centre gets condemned, people will have quilting bees and craft shows at the lodge. We can't have that! You know what I did? What did you do? I suggested we have a fund-raiser, to raise funds to repair the community centre. It's the centre of our community. Absolutely, yeah. The heart and soul of possum lake, and reflects our community... Especially now that it's old, cracked, and smelly. That's it, harold. Unfortunately, the townspeople didn't take that well to harold's suggestion. I took a real hay-maker right to the stomach. Moose's grandmother can be mean! She's got the... I gave as good as I got... In terms of screaming. Don't worry -- the men of possum lodge will take over. We're gonna raise money to rebuild the centre. Remember last year where we sold chocolate bars? Chocolate bars? Yeah. Those were bricks of old cheese. Chocolate bars. Old cheese. What was the crunchy middle? Very old cheese. (audience laughing) (red): Something special on the "adventures with bill" segment. Bill and I had the canoes out and... How does he do that? How does he manage... Bill had gone to the chocolate-bar drive-through. Ohhh! Yeah, oh, that's a shame. Oh, by golly, huh? You ok? All right. It's the kind of fun that you can have outdoors. The beauty of being outdoors is that you're not inside as much and you can be out there, and there's room for you, because guys like us only need that little extra space... A place to dump our chocolate bar wrappers... And the motor. It will be easier to portage. Bill and I, every year, we have our little portaging race. We put the canoes on and away we go. I didn't think it was fair... Ohhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Bill dropped the canoe on me -- just a way of handicapping me a little. It's not fair, just to beat him, so let's help him out. We want a fair race, right, bill? What's the problem? You can usually pick up the canoe. What's the trouble? Oh, my gosh, what have you got-- oh, all right, ok. This makes it harder to bend the knees. We'll be back later with our... ... Big race, so hang in for that. ♪ ohhhhh ♪ ♪ yippee-yo, yaaa, yahooey, yalady ♪ ♪ yippee-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi ♪ ♪ yes, this is the song of the lonesome cowboy ♪ ♪ when he lands the wrong way on his saddle ♪ aiee-aiee-aiee! Yiiii! This is for the big one! For a grand prize of nine coils of kolbasa and a 12-pound breath mint, uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Dougie franklin to say this word. "romantic." wahahh! And go! All right, dougie. Sensual, passionate, poetic... 1963 corvette stingray. No, no, when a man buys a woman flowers and candy, that's very... ... Obvious. No, you bring a woman back to your place. That's... ... A miracle. (audience laughing) ok, you dim the lights down low to make it more... ... Difficult for the neighbours to see what you're doing? I really gotta get me some drapes, red. It's hideous back there. Uh, I know. A woman falls for a man who is... ... Uh, able to drive a monster truck? No? That's not it? I know, I know. When a guy is very sensitive, lavishes gifts, and is very considerate and very feeling, he's obviously... ... Gay. (audience laughing) we're almost out of time. A '63 stingray. Oh, romantic! (laughing and applause) this week on "handyman corner", we'll solve a memory problem we've all faced... It's Sunday afternoon, you're lying there relaxing. Relatives pull in to your driveway. You realize it's thanksgiving and it's your turn to host the dinner, and you're not dressed. So two questions pop into your mind. First, how can you cook a 25-pound turkey in 13 minutes? And, secondly, where are your pants? I'm gonna answer the first question. You might be thinking microwave oven. They cook fast, they don't heat up the kitchen, and they ding when they're done. Problem is, they're too darned small. Can't get the turkey in there. You could cut them up into pieces and jam everything in. You could put the microwave up on its back and jump on the turkey. You could rip the door off and cook 'er, but that reduces the quality of your dinner conversations. So I say just forget about the microwave. (crashing) go with a macrowave oven. I like the sound of that. You want to get a bunch of these animal cages. You're gonna be cooking in these so make sure they're empty... Unless you got a really weird uncle. But the main ingredient is your energy-gathering heat-a-tron, also known as a satellite dish. You can pick these up anywhere, especially in open fields on moonless nights. You want to mount your satellite dish on something solid and low, like a water heater or moose thompson's bean-bag chair. I got 'er onto an oil drum. No matter what time it is, part of this is always facing south. Looks good, looks good. All right, the next problem is, gotta find a way to raise my oven chambers so they're in the primary cooking zone of my satellite dish. Oh! All right. This swing set should work absolutely great. Not only will this hold the turkey up high, it allows me to swing it out of the harmful rays so I don't add my own rump roast to the menu. All I gotta do is remove the seats. Rust is a real time-saver. Now all we gotta do is stick food into the cages and let mr. Sun do his thing. I think what I've forgotten is that, around thanksgiving, the sun is not as hot as it needs to be for this. Maybe we need to switch to a different source of energy. Maybe take apart this microwave oven and get the microwave tube or generator or whatever it is that makes microwaves. Might even be a little wave-pool in there. We'll find out when we take 'er apart. All right, we got square-head bolts. Looks like the red size. I got the green... I got the black -- no red. Oh, well. We got our microwave generator wired to the satellite dish, which becomes an amplifier -- gonna boost the microwave output of 1,500 watts up into the area of 5 trillion megahertz of neutron fusion energy. That should be enough to cook those hard-to-get-at places. If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's get cookin'. (coughing) ahhh... Holy mackerel. There's a fair amount of shrinkage with these. I think I should have started with a larger turkey. Harold! Just kidding... ... Unless you want to. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Want to talk to you about something I heard in town. Old lady benkman said you can't control the ugly things people say about you after you're dead. I think that's true. I can't control the things people say about me while I'm living. I don't anticipate getting better at it after I'm six feet under. So you can't stop people from saying bad stuff about you after you're dead. Is that real important? Unless you have exceptional hearing, you may not notice. To play it safe, you could get buried with earplugs in. You can't control what they say but you can control whether or not it's true. Actions speak louder than words so make sure your actions are louder than their words. If they say that you were a drunken womanizer, whereas you led a sober life and were a decent family man, they're gonna have a hard time getting anybody to listen... Whereas if it was the booze and babes that killed you, well, you got a problem. But by then, you'll probably be in a hot spot and not that concerned with public relations. So don't worry about it. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) the community centre fund-raising committee had its first meeting -- didn't go real well. In hindsight, the open bar was a mistake. Did you ever make any motions for fund-raising? Buster hadfield suggested we have a walk-a-thon. That's excellent! That's great! A walk-a-thon's a great way to make money! We found out there's walking involved so we put that aside. Moose thompson had a great idea. Belch-a-thon? What do you think of when I say "thrills, chills, and spills"? Andrea thompson pouring a cherry slurpee down my pants at the sadie hawkins dance. (audience laughing) people might pay money to see that, but... I'm talking about a fun fair... The possum lodge fun fair -- not like any other fun fair. There will be no fun and no fair. (laughing) all right, welcome to "auto biography", where members of possum lodge talk about cars that meant something to them. Hap, what was your favourite car? Oh, my... I'd have to say my '62 aston-martin d.B.S. Gold finish... Beautiful machine. That sounds like the car james bond drove before he was roger moore or timothy dalton or pierce brosnan or that old guy. It was the car, harold. I owned the car that was in those movies. You bought that from the producers? No, they bought it from me. They needed an aston-martin and they knew mine had machine-guns and bullet-proof shields... (audience laughing) ... And revolving licence plates, an ejection seat, and that thing that came out of the wheel -- wah-wah-wah! And that was it -- end of story. This whole story's kind of wah-wah-wah. (laughing) you're telling me you used all those gadgets? No! God! You kidding? No, I never used the revolving licence plates, but those machine-guns came in handy more than once. Without the bullet-proof shield, I wouldn't be here now. No, when you have those things, you use 'em. I could go for an ejection seat right about now. Or a cyanide capsule. This was a business car, hap? Oh, yeah! Yeah, kind of. Come on, you knew I was in her majesty's secret service. Oh, yeah, right. Double-oh-nothing, licence to bull. Ohhhh... Oh, beautiful car, though, red. Yeah. Had a built-in bar and a spy camera... Satellite locator... Even a lie-detector. Must have drained the battery every time you opened your mouth! Here we are, all set for our big portage race. Ok, gentlemen... Start your angina. Ok, we're off and I got a bit of a lead. One thing surprises me. We never get a turn-out, spectator-wise, for this, for some reason. I think there's a lot to watch. I'm not sure how safe you'd be, within, say, a canoe's-length of the actual race itself. If you hung back with a telephoto, you could get interesting shots. I'm well out ahead. Bill has a different approach. He really bends over. He's got the lower-back problem. That should help that. Hang on, hang on, but he's got the right idea. Look out, bill -- tree, bill! Tree, bill! Ohhhhh! Don't be hammering on that tree -- look out! Look out, here comes the canoe! That has gotta hurt. I'm just making my way along, doing just fine. Bill, you're going the wrong way. No, you should be-- where is he? Oh, there he is. Everything all right? Yeah, seems fine. And... Looks like I won. All I gotta do is get the whole thing in-- but I looked back. Here he comes. Gonna be a close race. Hang on, bill, hang on! Better get my canoe-- what's going on? Bill! Look out, look out! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Ohhh... Ahhhh! Holy mackerel. He won! I'd rather lose. Here's a walking stick made by our pal michael -- thanks, mike. The fun fair's gonna raise so much cash, we can build a new community centre. I'm looking after the fireworks. Moose thompson's got the dart-throw going. Got himself a '64 dart. (audience laughing) straps people into it and just chucks 'er. How's the ring-toss comin'? Excellent -- watch this, watch this. Oh, boy. No problem -- just watch. That's hard! We'll make a ton of money! Oh, right, harold. The big money-maker's gonna be buster's flight simulator. A flight simulator?! Awwwwww! They're excellent! They're so way cool! They're like virtual reality, 3-d to the max, then you barf. (laughing) is it state-of-the-art? Is it cutting-edge? You could cut yourself real bad on one edge. It's a cherry-picker. He found it just sitting in the telephone parking lot, and he just blindfolds people, whips 'em around. Harold, we got the dunk-tank, where you throw baseballs and the guy drops into the tank. I love those! I love those! Who's supplying that? Uh, rothschild's sewage. Oh, excellent, excellent. Whooooo! Who's the sucker who's gonna fall in that tank all day long? (audience laughing) who? Tell me! I'm gonna find out! I know the person, don't I? I do. Hawww.... It's the expert portion of the show where we examine those three words that men find so hard to say... (audience): "I don't know!" either do they. Joining my uncle red is his best friend-- oh, instead, it's mr. Dalton humphrey! (applause and cheering) the viewer asks, "dear experts, whenever we have friends over "and play word games, like scrabble, the men lose. "then we get to hear how good they are "at the game 'but I've got an excuse'. "why are men bad at word games?" all right, let's get this cleared up. This is a myth. It's completely false. Men are not, uh... Ok, bad... At word games. "bad", as in limited, deficient, inadequate, inept? No, I mean "obnoxious" as in "harold". (laughing) you know, my wife, anne-marie, and I play word games as part of our normal conversation. She'll string words together and I'll try and guess what she's talkin' about. Now, ok, I usually guess wrong, but that's because I lost interest and stopped listening. It is not because I'm not good at it. See, there's no incentive to win on that. If you do understand, you have to get up and do something. See, dalton and I, we understand each other. Well, men understand men. When men and women have words, that's where the trouble starts. See, women use words... Um... They, uh... Women... To, uh... Communicate, inform, disclose? Well... Close. Yeah, ok. But... But... But now, with men, what they, uh... They, uh... Uh... Men... Use words to avoid saying something. Here we go -- that's it. That's it, that's it. There we go -- yeah. (laughing and applause) and, you see, if men have something real important to say, they'll shake hands... Or hitch up their pants or point at something. Yeah, sure, that's it. That's almost eloquent in its simplicity. (audience laughing) sorry, harold, you lost me. Never mind, it's ok. Men are not bad at word games. It's just that we... We... What we... We, uh... We use the body language. Well! You certainly have a well-rounded vocabulary to work with. (laughing and applause) (audience laughing) (coughing) (clearing throat) well, uh... That was, uh... That was, uh... That was quite a fun fair. Flight simulator was good, ring-toss was good. What idiot was in charge of the fireworks? You shouldn't go around calling people idiots. I knew it was you! I knew! Fun fairs always end with fireworks. Everybody agreed to that. But it wasn't raining then. We didn't know we'd move the fun fair indoors. (laughing) other than the fire, I think it went pretty well. He burned the community centre down -- it's gone! (laughing) the fun fair raised enough money to cover the deductible on the insurance. Now we get a brand-new community centre. I don't see a down-side. Ok, how about the insurance company cancelling your policy? Now we don't have to pay premiums. Ok, how about this? I refuse to help with your projects. Man, I'm on a roll! (possum squeal) oh, meeting time. You go ahead -- I'll be right down. I'm gonna get the ashes out of my nostrils. I thought that sparkler would never go out. If my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. If you see smoke coming from my pants, remember, where there's smoke, there's fire. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise for the beginning of the meeting! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. Stinky peterson asked me to announce that you cannot jump-start a '78 gremlin from a stove. Anybody who thinks you can is welcome to drop by his place and put out a kitchen fire. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!